Hello Bloggers!
Gee... it has been 6 years. Just a quick note to announce that I will be moving both myself and my blog to a new home. You will be updated with the new address here. And oh! It's already fucking 2016, know that I love you okay?
Refusing To Write
Mel,
I stopped writing because it takes time to write something worth reading, something that you will appreciate, even if it doesn’t mean I blog every day. Anyone can blog. In fact, many do. But not everyone has something to say. And when I do, it's always on the negative side of things because I read the crap I write to reflect and grow positively (I think I just told a big lie).
Since this is not a journal of my daily events, it makes writing even harder. I'd like to think that the sole reason for keeping this blog is to share my singing to the world. I am that shy else I would've placed my videos on YouTube instead.
There's a Spanish proverb that encourages people to speak only when their words are more beautiful than the silence. The online world has given me a beautiful place for discussion and self-expression on topics I am passionate about but where there is beauty, there exists hateful and malicious readers.
And that, I am still a singer-blogwriter.
(陌生人 - 蔡健雅)
I stopped writing because it takes time to write something worth reading, something that you will appreciate, even if it doesn’t mean I blog every day. Anyone can blog. In fact, many do. But not everyone has something to say. And when I do, it's always on the negative side of things because I read the crap I write to reflect and grow positively (I think I just told a big lie).
Since this is not a journal of my daily events, it makes writing even harder. I'd like to think that the sole reason for keeping this blog is to share my singing to the world. I am that shy else I would've placed my videos on YouTube instead.
There's a Spanish proverb that encourages people to speak only when their words are more beautiful than the silence. The online world has given me a beautiful place for discussion and self-expression on topics I am passionate about but where there is beauty, there exists hateful and malicious readers.
And that, I am still a singer-blogwriter.
(陌生人 - 蔡健雅)
Hiatus
I am not sure if I still have any followers but here is a video to compensate for my absence. I've been refusing to write and by doing so, my suppressed emotions, feelings, and thoughts have turned me into a complete sociopath. I am deflated of intelligence, achievement, popularity, attractiveness, health and strength. And almost all negative emotional reactions have caused so much more damage than I have imagined. At least now, I finally have the strength to post this entry which took me almost half a year! Next will be the lost courage to actually get help.
I need to cope. Not mope.
(可惜不是你 - 梁靜茹)
I need to cope. Not mope.
Hug me please...
(可惜不是你 - 梁靜茹)
Hiding My Heart
Someone told me that sleeping is like death. You are literally doing nothing but wasting away time when you can be awake to do so many wonderful and meaningful things.
I sleep a lot. Too much actually. Mainly because my thoughts would run wild and goes down the path of severe dejection when it's active . I get that a lot now that I am much older and alone.
I figured I should at least write something soon to give my mind a reason to be awake. I've been leaning too much on the thought of touching another living being. Just to smell his skin and gently stroke his fringe. I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done and wake up to your face against the morning sun. But like everything I've ever known, you'll disappear one day. So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away.
(Hiding My Heart - Brandi Carlile)
I sleep a lot. Too much actually. Mainly because my thoughts would run wild and goes down the path of severe dejection when it's active . I get that a lot now that I am much older and alone.
I figured I should at least write something soon to give my mind a reason to be awake. I've been leaning too much on the thought of touching another living being. Just to smell his skin and gently stroke his fringe. I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done and wake up to your face against the morning sun. But like everything I've ever known, you'll disappear one day. So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away.
(Hiding My Heart - Brandi Carlile)
I Am So Tired
I've been trying to get help but I am not getting any.
Possibly one of the worst feelings one could ever experience is when you know no one needs you.
You are just as good as dead.
Possibly one of the worst feelings one could ever experience is when you know no one needs you.
You are just as good as dead.
Hawaii
Before I landed myself in Kuala Lumpur for a new solo life, I used to believe in innocence and the purity of simple gestures. I daydream a lot and imagine vividly without fear and doubt. The ability to do so was ever so liberating and it gave me a sense of confidence, purpose and hope.
Unfortunately, because of living too long in KL on my own, and soaking up an entirely different culture for 17 years, I've allowed it to change me and become overly realistic and cynical than I could ever imagine. It is the only way I've known to persevere in this this selfish and self-centred city.
This movie has made me remember how I've foolishly ignored the importance of being true to myself. But I am what I am today.
I am both of what I was, and what I've become.
Thank you Marco.
Insanity
My mind has fallen ill lately. There were more than 10 guys taking turns to fuck my brains over and over again. I've been criticised, mocked, profusely belittled and mostly importantly, wrongly accused.
How much mind-fuck can one take? Why is the human breed so intricately complex and difficult to comprehend? Before I am clinically proven insane, I want to quickly jot this down should this be my very last entry. That at least, the handful of bloggers I personally know will understand the reason I ceased blogging. That I am locked up in the loony house. That CP has seriously gone into a permanent mental breakdown.
I can find no suitable words to describe the exact intangible pain I am going through. The fucking reality is that everyone is so afraid of dying more than they are of pain. It's really strange when life actually hurts more than death. At the point of death, the real pain is over.
I can actually taste it at the tip of my tongue. Surprisingly, it's not bitter as I expected but sweet with a hint of mint.
I am not AFRAID of death.
How much mind-fuck can one take? Why is the human breed so intricately complex and difficult to comprehend? Before I am clinically proven insane, I want to quickly jot this down should this be my very last entry. That at least, the handful of bloggers I personally know will understand the reason I ceased blogging. That I am locked up in the loony house. That CP has seriously gone into a permanent mental breakdown.
I can find no suitable words to describe the exact intangible pain I am going through. The fucking reality is that everyone is so afraid of dying more than they are of pain. It's really strange when life actually hurts more than death. At the point of death, the real pain is over.
I can actually taste it at the tip of my tongue. Surprisingly, it's not bitter as I expected but sweet with a hint of mint.
I am not AFRAID of death.
Hey
I am in pretty good spirit today and have decided to fool around a bit with one of my favourite unheard-of song. I've always liked songs that have never hit the charts which makes them rare and priceless!
I am elated today because an old friend is treating me dinner for my birthday!
Gonna dress up just for it. Feels so effin' good to be appreciated!
(Hey by Bic Runga)
I am elated today because an old friend is treating me dinner for my birthday!
Gonna dress up just for it. Feels so effin' good to be appreciated!
(Hey by Bic Runga)
Love Songs
Why do we love listening to love songs?
Research has shown that if we put the same song on repeat, it will help the erase the feeling of ‘bitter’ from a bittersweet relationship by repeatedly remembering the ‘sweet’ memories associated with the song. The professional understanding of this process is known as desensitizing. This study could explain why people listen to love songs repeatedly. It’s not necessarily the song itself, but the feeling from the song which gives them what they want.
So there you go. Crank up your volume and play those heart-wrenching songs!
It's also a remedy to stay away from drugs!
(袖手旁觀 - 齊秦)
Research has shown that if we put the same song on repeat, it will help the erase the feeling of ‘bitter’ from a bittersweet relationship by repeatedly remembering the ‘sweet’ memories associated with the song. The professional understanding of this process is known as desensitizing. This study could explain why people listen to love songs repeatedly. It’s not necessarily the song itself, but the feeling from the song which gives them what they want.
So there you go. Crank up your volume and play those heart-wrenching songs!
It's also a remedy to stay away from drugs!
(袖手旁觀 - 齊秦)
So Lonely
There is this loneliness, and sometimes it eats me up alive. I believe our moments on earth is truly brief. I want to allow myself joy but lately, my predicament has lead to my poor judgement in finding the right companion. I've been attracting all the insane guys!
I talk to the moon and walk with my shadow. I sing to the wall and eat with myself. I live in some of you but mostly, I live alone inside. I need a break from this awful lonely feeling.
Amen.
I talk to the moon and walk with my shadow. I sing to the wall and eat with myself. I live in some of you but mostly, I live alone inside. I need a break from this awful lonely feeling.
Amen.
Let Him Go
This piece is dedicated to Eric. A request to do a cover which I find the original version quite unpleasant sounding. Instead, I've decided to do a Birdy version which fits the exact situation he's going through right now. I hope you truly let go after listening to this yeah buddy? If you wanna fall even deeper and feel shitty, you can try listening to Birdy's rendition. It's awfully painful. Urgh! I am such a sucker for depressive voices.
Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about him anymore. It's about acceptance, that some people are just meant to be a part of your history and never your destiny. Accept that the only person you really have control over is yourself and incredible changes will take place.
Sorry for the bad recording, I really hate the awful white noise but I have to suck it up until I get a decent microphone. Oh! My birthday is just around the corner. Any sympathetic souls out there? I am single too! (Yerr... I feel like an idiot for saying this)
Okay, I am taking a break. I think I have gone overboard with all these singing requests. I get bored quickly when I do too much of the same thing. So Adlexus, you better hurry with your request so I can take a break ya? Apa lagu English u mau? Let it go ah? The answer is NO!!!
(Let Him Go by Passenger)
Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about him anymore. It's about acceptance, that some people are just meant to be a part of your history and never your destiny. Accept that the only person you really have control over is yourself and incredible changes will take place.
Sorry for the bad recording, I really hate the awful white noise but I have to suck it up until I get a decent microphone. Oh! My birthday is just around the corner. Any sympathetic souls out there? I am single too! (Yerr... I feel like an idiot for saying this)
Okay, I am taking a break. I think I have gone overboard with all these singing requests. I get bored quickly when I do too much of the same thing. So Adlexus, you better hurry with your request so I can take a break ya? Apa lagu English u mau? Let it go ah? The answer is NO!!!
(Let Him Go by Passenger)
Seagull
Challenge proposed and challenge delivered! Well okay, it's not like he dared me but, rather it's a kind request from Jeff to butcher cover this classic number.
Dear Jeff,
(Maleficient tone) Well well... your request is finally delivered as promised. I was worried at first, that I might not be able to strum out the correct tune due to my limitation of guitar chords. Haiz... what to do? Self-taught ma. Instead, I was lucky they were fairly simple and even gave me room to improvise.
Though I can't read nor write in Chinese to survive in China, but once I get what the words mean, they will forever be stuck in my head. The lyrics were truly inspiring and encouraging. I like the metaphor behind it and I am truly grateful to you for introducing this beautiful song.
Did you know the singer, Judy Ongg was actually from Taiwan who later changed her nationality to Japanese? After YouTube hopping on her other songs, I was impressed with her ability to sing in Mandarin, Cantonese and Japanese. She is stunningly beautiful!
Anyway and anyhow, here is my version of 海鷗. I hope it won't destroy the fond memories you have associated with this song.
Sincerely,
CP.
(海鷗 - 翁倩玉)
Dear Jeff,
(Maleficient tone) Well well... your request is finally delivered as promised. I was worried at first, that I might not be able to strum out the correct tune due to my limitation of guitar chords. Haiz... what to do? Self-taught ma. Instead, I was lucky they were fairly simple and even gave me room to improvise.
Though I can't read nor write in Chinese to survive in China, but once I get what the words mean, they will forever be stuck in my head. The lyrics were truly inspiring and encouraging. I like the metaphor behind it and I am truly grateful to you for introducing this beautiful song.
Did you know the singer, Judy Ongg was actually from Taiwan who later changed her nationality to Japanese? After YouTube hopping on her other songs, I was impressed with her ability to sing in Mandarin, Cantonese and Japanese. She is stunningly beautiful!
Anyway and anyhow, here is my version of 海鷗. I hope it won't destroy the fond memories you have associated with this song.
Sincerely,
CP.
(海鷗 - 翁倩玉)
Skinny Love
Finally! I get the chance to screw up English songs now. This is my favourite piece! Though I much prefer Birdy's rendition because I am naturally drawn to melancholic tunes, but I've always wondered what was on Bon Iver's mind when he wrote this song. Most importantly, what does he mean by skinny love?
Urban Dictionary defines skinny love as when two people love each other but are too shy to admit it yet they still show it.
Bon Iver says;
"It’s about that time in a relationship that I was going through; you’re in a relationship because you need help, but that’s not necessarily why you should be in a relationship. And that’s skinny. It doesn’t have weight. Skinny love doesn’t have a chance because it’s not nourished.”
Interesting and sad.
(Skinny Love by Birdy)
Urban Dictionary defines skinny love as when two people love each other but are too shy to admit it yet they still show it.
Bon Iver says;
"It’s about that time in a relationship that I was going through; you’re in a relationship because you need help, but that’s not necessarily why you should be in a relationship. And that’s skinny. It doesn’t have weight. Skinny love doesn’t have a chance because it’s not nourished.”
Interesting and sad.
(Skinny Love by Birdy)
Never All Of Me
Do we actually give our all in a relationship?
Do you actually love all his imperfections?
It is so easy to write it down in words but I for one, knows it is not entirely all that I give.
This short one is for you Jeff! It's a rare occasion because I almost never showcase my singing in English. :P
(All Of Me by John Legend)
Do you actually love all his imperfections?
It is so easy to write it down in words but I for one, knows it is not entirely all that I give.
This short one is for you Jeff! It's a rare occasion because I almost never showcase my singing in English. :P
(All Of Me by John Legend)
Who Do You Think You Are?
It's funny.
Every time I try to reinvent myself, I end up telling lies. Lies that fuels my inability to identify myself. This vicious cycle of constant reinvention is clear evidence of a person struggling with an identity crisis. It is a sick internal war I have with myself which, is far worse than a break-up or getting fired at work.
The pattern?
I start a fresh blog. I start off being personal, with factual events and some unfiltered self-indulgence. I try to be transparent without prejudice. But gradually I become overly cautious, I begin to censor myself. I question my thoughts because I worry how they will be perceived. I then edit and manipulate the outcome to appear desirable and idealistic. And eventually the number of entries decreases, they become short and ambiguous. I become extremely private while deep down, I am crying for acceptance.
The fix?
I am not sure. But I am very sure that if I care too much on what others think of me or how they treat me, I will be putting too much emphasis on things I have no control over when I should be putting emphasis on what I have real power over - myself. I can and should define myself and let the world take me as I am or leave me be. Even the most extreme personalities can find a niche in this world.
The finding?
Unless you come to terms with who you really are, you will never be truly appreciated and remembered no matter how successful or good-looking you've become. People respond well to authentic, genuine people, even if they are odd.
Sorry it took me so long.
Every time I try to reinvent myself, I end up telling lies. Lies that fuels my inability to identify myself. This vicious cycle of constant reinvention is clear evidence of a person struggling with an identity crisis. It is a sick internal war I have with myself which, is far worse than a break-up or getting fired at work.
The pattern?
I start a fresh blog. I start off being personal, with factual events and some unfiltered self-indulgence. I try to be transparent without prejudice. But gradually I become overly cautious, I begin to censor myself. I question my thoughts because I worry how they will be perceived. I then edit and manipulate the outcome to appear desirable and idealistic. And eventually the number of entries decreases, they become short and ambiguous. I become extremely private while deep down, I am crying for acceptance.
The fix?
I am not sure. But I am very sure that if I care too much on what others think of me or how they treat me, I will be putting too much emphasis on things I have no control over when I should be putting emphasis on what I have real power over - myself. I can and should define myself and let the world take me as I am or leave me be. Even the most extreme personalities can find a niche in this world.
The finding?
Unless you come to terms with who you really are, you will never be truly appreciated and remembered no matter how successful or good-looking you've become. People respond well to authentic, genuine people, even if they are odd.
Sorry it took me so long.
Tenuous Existence
I am so tired. I could almost give up on everything but it's always the case of that last glint. It keeps me going even if I decide to do nothing. I hate that.
A deep stomach-churning hollow sigh...
Sometimes I really hope I could just falter and continuously descend into oblivion. Really taste death and not come back at all. I am that perturbed.
I need that fucking courage to fall completely.
(墜落 - 蔡健雅)
A deep stomach-churning hollow sigh...
Sometimes I really hope I could just falter and continuously descend into oblivion. Really taste death and not come back at all. I am that perturbed.
I need that fucking courage to fall completely.
(墜落 - 蔡健雅)
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