I need to cope. Not mope.
Hug me please...
(可惜不是你 - 梁靜茹)
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
Hiatus
I am not sure if I still have any followers but here is a video to compensate for my absence. I've been refusing to write and by doing so, my suppressed emotions, feelings, and thoughts have turned me into a complete sociopath. I am deflated of intelligence, achievement, popularity, attractiveness, health and strength. And almost all negative emotional reactions have caused so much more damage than I have imagined. At least now, I finally have the strength to post this entry which took me almost half a year! Next will be the lost courage to actually get help.
I need to cope. Not mope.
(可惜不是你 - 梁靜茹)
I need to cope. Not mope.
(可惜不是你 - 梁靜茹)
I Am So Tired
I've been trying to get help but I am not getting any.
Possibly one of the worst feelings one could ever experience is when you know no one needs you.
You are just as good as dead.
Possibly one of the worst feelings one could ever experience is when you know no one needs you.
You are just as good as dead.
Insanity
My mind has fallen ill lately. There were more than 10 guys taking turns to fuck my brains over and over again. I've been criticised, mocked, profusely belittled and mostly importantly, wrongly accused.
How much mind-fuck can one take? Why is the human breed so intricately complex and difficult to comprehend? Before I am clinically proven insane, I want to quickly jot this down should this be my very last entry. That at least, the handful of bloggers I personally know will understand the reason I ceased blogging. That I am locked up in the loony house. That CP has seriously gone into a permanent mental breakdown.
I can find no suitable words to describe the exact intangible pain I am going through. The fucking reality is that everyone is so afraid of dying more than they are of pain. It's really strange when life actually hurts more than death. At the point of death, the real pain is over.
I can actually taste it at the tip of my tongue. Surprisingly, it's not bitter as I expected but sweet with a hint of mint.
I am not AFRAID of death.
How much mind-fuck can one take? Why is the human breed so intricately complex and difficult to comprehend? Before I am clinically proven insane, I want to quickly jot this down should this be my very last entry. That at least, the handful of bloggers I personally know will understand the reason I ceased blogging. That I am locked up in the loony house. That CP has seriously gone into a permanent mental breakdown.
I can find no suitable words to describe the exact intangible pain I am going through. The fucking reality is that everyone is so afraid of dying more than they are of pain. It's really strange when life actually hurts more than death. At the point of death, the real pain is over.
I can actually taste it at the tip of my tongue. Surprisingly, it's not bitter as I expected but sweet with a hint of mint.
I am not AFRAID of death.
So Lonely
There is this loneliness, and sometimes it eats me up alive. I believe our moments on earth is truly brief. I want to allow myself joy but lately, my predicament has lead to my poor judgement in finding the right companion. I've been attracting all the insane guys!
I talk to the moon and walk with my shadow. I sing to the wall and eat with myself. I live in some of you but mostly, I live alone inside. I need a break from this awful lonely feeling.
Amen.
I talk to the moon and walk with my shadow. I sing to the wall and eat with myself. I live in some of you but mostly, I live alone inside. I need a break from this awful lonely feeling.
Amen.
Recluse
It's been unsettling. It's been totally ridiculous. So where should I begin now that I've totally lost sense of blogging? It doesn't really matter where I left off. It should not because this space is meant for me to reflect and recondition myself. And without having done so, I've become a total mess.
My desire to write comes easily when I am troubled and dismayed. Strangely when it comes to writing, I am always at my most honest when I am most upset. I broke off with my boyfriend, quit my job, fell sick, fooled around and sexually infected myself. Got fixated on a really beautiful soul and fell sick again, heart sick. It broke and I became broke, living on the edge once more.
I've been hiding. Which is ironic because I have always been hiding even when I put myself out there. That seemingly warm smile and supposedly funny jokes I make to have everyone laughing senseless so they won't notice my distress. I won't know what to say if they asked. When all fails, I humour them with my priceless face instead. Such a stressful place we live in.
That being said, it's wrong to say I've been hiding.
What do you call a dog that barks?
What do you call a fish that swims?
So, what do you call a recluse who decides to seclude himself?
Right.
Fuck! I hide even when I am blogging.
I guess I should be termed an antisocial-turd-in-break-down who should remain in his unsightly cave and never see the light of day!
There's probably no one who will understand what I am actually feeling most of the time. This is pretty common amongst individuals who have lost plenty of trust in the past. Been hurt, been forsaken, been cheated, been yadda yadda yadda - it's redundant to elaborate on this. We've all gone through our bouts of unfortunate events but what makes this really interesting to write about is how I've never really moved on.
I know, otherwise I would be writing really uplifting and inspiring entries instead.
But it's tolerable.
It's okay to mope, at least in private.
As long as I am learning something.
Oh, and welcome back CP!
(空白格 - 蔡健雅)
My desire to write comes easily when I am troubled and dismayed. Strangely when it comes to writing, I am always at my most honest when I am most upset. I broke off with my boyfriend, quit my job, fell sick, fooled around and sexually infected myself. Got fixated on a really beautiful soul and fell sick again, heart sick. It broke and I became broke, living on the edge once more.
I've been hiding. Which is ironic because I have always been hiding even when I put myself out there. That seemingly warm smile and supposedly funny jokes I make to have everyone laughing senseless so they won't notice my distress. I won't know what to say if they asked. When all fails, I humour them with my priceless face instead. Such a stressful place we live in.
That being said, it's wrong to say I've been hiding.
What do you call a dog that barks?
What do you call a fish that swims?
So, what do you call a recluse who decides to seclude himself?
Right.
Fuck! I hide even when I am blogging.
I guess I should be termed an antisocial-turd-in-break-down who should remain in his unsightly cave and never see the light of day!
There's probably no one who will understand what I am actually feeling most of the time. This is pretty common amongst individuals who have lost plenty of trust in the past. Been hurt, been forsaken, been cheated, been yadda yadda yadda - it's redundant to elaborate on this. We've all gone through our bouts of unfortunate events but what makes this really interesting to write about is how I've never really moved on.
I know, otherwise I would be writing really uplifting and inspiring entries instead.
But it's tolerable.
It's okay to mope, at least in private.
As long as I am learning something.
Oh, and welcome back CP!
(空白格 - 蔡健雅)
Congestion Of The Brain
I often thought I could sense the feeling of darkness as it stole across the morning sun rushing towards me. Overwhelmed by a sorrow so poignant, I felt in all candour a great release when I welcome it. As though I am misery itself, a dark and morbid melancholy that has been following me like a black dog all my life. I would be truly uncomfortable if I wake with a sense of euphoria every morning.
Learn How Happiness Can Be Painful
He said nothing
even when mouth wide open.
Obviously we are done,
nothing good comes anymore.
We fake it so well.
even when mouth wide open.
Obviously we are done,
nothing good comes anymore.
We fake it so well.
Why do we all change? Why will there never be constant loving? Why must I put up with this fight no matter how rough and defeating it gets? Is it all because I have this once-in-a-lifetime existence? A chance to make it right? What is right and what is wrong? I simply loved you and it all changed anyway. Now we are nothing but friends who still remember to call when it's our birthday. That's as good as it gets. Memories. And the strength to create new ones with that newfound attraction. The same strength that will be weakened by past failures. Of despair and regrets, of hurt and betrayal, of pain and suffering.
But I can honestly say, it's all worth the torment even if genuine happiness means a fleeting moment. I simply cannot spend the rest of my remaining days fearing pain. It is an act of a coward who is in denial that with every cut, will we then trickle blood of happiness. Profound it seems but it does make sense. It's called the pain of happiness. A funeral, a childbirth, the ultimate experience that comes at the apex of the most pain for sportsmen, and the crucifixion of Jesus.
So don't hide because you fear pain. If you do, you're only denying yourself from real happiness. You will only cook up an extremely bitter soup that you don't even know you're capable of. A self-destructive, self-inflicted time bomb.
KA-BOOOOM!!!
In other words, fucking reach out your hand, call my number and date me okay?
Please Write Again
How many times has it been? That I've tried so hard to write an entry and all it amounts to is this? I am keeping this to remind myself.
This space is specially dedicated to you moron, why abandon it? Don't be so hard on yourself. You've already gone through enough by removing your Facebook. You've already shunned all your friends but why neglect yourself? Take the test and write about it okay? You owe me this please...
This space is specially dedicated to you moron, why abandon it? Don't be so hard on yourself. You've already gone through enough by removing your Facebook. You've already shunned all your friends but why neglect yourself? Take the test and write about it okay? You owe me this please...
Having A Breakdown
I feel disappointed because you were irresponsible.
I feel frustrated because you did not listen to my plea.
I feel angry because you do it anyway regardless of how I felt.
I feel afraid because I might die from what you did.
I feel hurt because you broke my trust.
I feel self-doubt because I no longer trust myself.
I feel ashamed because I allowed you to have things your way.
I feel frustrated because you did not listen to my plea.
I feel angry because you do it anyway regardless of how I felt.
I feel afraid because I might die from what you did.
I feel hurt because you broke my trust.
I feel self-doubt because I no longer trust myself.
I feel ashamed because I allowed you to have things your way.
You Know How I Feel?
It's a new year, a new dawn, a new day, a new life;
and I still feel like shit!
and I still feel like shit!
Fuck Depression
The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you. Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to
replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It
dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of
tarnishing and everything else required to keep it alive.
Here in the big city, people spend their time thinking about work and money, they don't give some value to friendships and it can be depressing. Being depressed is something we all have to go through every now and then. Usually when people are depressed, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition (Which I've always failed at). But when they get angry, they bring about a great change.
Man, I hate to write all these depressing shit, but I don't have a game. I'm so alone, so depressed, so dark, and I can only find solace in this tiny space. Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.
Come Maya, come give daddy a hug.
Here in the big city, people spend their time thinking about work and money, they don't give some value to friendships and it can be depressing. Being depressed is something we all have to go through every now and then. Usually when people are depressed, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition (Which I've always failed at). But when they get angry, they bring about a great change.
Man, I hate to write all these depressing shit, but I don't have a game. I'm so alone, so depressed, so dark, and I can only find solace in this tiny space. Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.
Come Maya, come give daddy a hug.
The Unbearable Weight Of Committing
(An overdue letter to an old old flame)
You were wrong to think that I was enthusiastic with moving on right after you. It took me more than a year to find courage. During the years we were together and finally being two continents apart, I waited in vain for an unattended relationship. I had too much time to prepare myself for our break-up. Even afterwards, I find it hard to move on but I knew I have to carry my own weight without you.
Everyone is idealistic in their own special way. I have lived to experience that perfection does not exist. There is only realistic contentment, a conditioned perfection that is set out for each of us out there. My idealism is truly simple, I only want to make everyone happy but ultimately, I want the one I truly love to be happy. When he is pleased, I will feel adequate.
I fear loneliness tremendously. Whenever I am aware of being alone, I almost immediately feel abandoned and forgotten. I've been living a life obligated to serving and providing to people's needs before mine. It has become instinctive, always in a hurry to fill up the void with individuals I hardly know only to break up prematurely.
So this is the fact of my life; I needed you more than you needed me. I needed Teacher more than he needed me. Finally, I see that it's not anyone's fault. And it's only right that we came to an end.
I sincerely wish that you will find your desired happiness someday.
You were wrong to think that I was enthusiastic with moving on right after you. It took me more than a year to find courage. During the years we were together and finally being two continents apart, I waited in vain for an unattended relationship. I had too much time to prepare myself for our break-up. Even afterwards, I find it hard to move on but I knew I have to carry my own weight without you.
Everyone is idealistic in their own special way. I have lived to experience that perfection does not exist. There is only realistic contentment, a conditioned perfection that is set out for each of us out there. My idealism is truly simple, I only want to make everyone happy but ultimately, I want the one I truly love to be happy. When he is pleased, I will feel adequate.
I fear loneliness tremendously. Whenever I am aware of being alone, I almost immediately feel abandoned and forgotten. I've been living a life obligated to serving and providing to people's needs before mine. It has become instinctive, always in a hurry to fill up the void with individuals I hardly know only to break up prematurely.
So this is the fact of my life; I needed you more than you needed me. I needed Teacher more than he needed me. Finally, I see that it's not anyone's fault. And it's only right that we came to an end.
I sincerely wish that you will find your desired happiness someday.
Hurt
All my life, I've tried so hard to make each and everyone of you happy only to hurt myself in the end.
Was it all worth it?
Yes.
Was it all worth it?
Yes.
Crucial Direness
If there comes a day where it really pushes me to my utmost limit, this is it. I am seriously ready to die any moment now. Tears are pushing their way out but I am repressing them.
What's the point of crying?
What's the point of crying?
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