I need to cope. Not mope.
Hug me please...
(可惜不是你 - 梁靜茹)
Showing posts with label Despair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Despair. Show all posts
Hiatus
I am not sure if I still have any followers but here is a video to compensate for my absence. I've been refusing to write and by doing so, my suppressed emotions, feelings, and thoughts have turned me into a complete sociopath. I am deflated of intelligence, achievement, popularity, attractiveness, health and strength. And almost all negative emotional reactions have caused so much more damage than I have imagined. At least now, I finally have the strength to post this entry which took me almost half a year! Next will be the lost courage to actually get help.
I need to cope. Not mope.
(可惜不是你 - 梁靜茹)
I need to cope. Not mope.
(可惜不是你 - 梁靜茹)
Hiding My Heart
Someone told me that sleeping is like death. You are literally doing nothing but wasting away time when you can be awake to do so many wonderful and meaningful things.
I sleep a lot. Too much actually. Mainly because my thoughts would run wild and goes down the path of severe dejection when it's active . I get that a lot now that I am much older and alone.
I figured I should at least write something soon to give my mind a reason to be awake. I've been leaning too much on the thought of touching another living being. Just to smell his skin and gently stroke his fringe. I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done and wake up to your face against the morning sun. But like everything I've ever known, you'll disappear one day. So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away.
(Hiding My Heart - Brandi Carlile)
I sleep a lot. Too much actually. Mainly because my thoughts would run wild and goes down the path of severe dejection when it's active . I get that a lot now that I am much older and alone.
I figured I should at least write something soon to give my mind a reason to be awake. I've been leaning too much on the thought of touching another living being. Just to smell his skin and gently stroke his fringe. I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done and wake up to your face against the morning sun. But like everything I've ever known, you'll disappear one day. So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away.
(Hiding My Heart - Brandi Carlile)
I Am So Tired
I've been trying to get help but I am not getting any.
Possibly one of the worst feelings one could ever experience is when you know no one needs you.
You are just as good as dead.
Possibly one of the worst feelings one could ever experience is when you know no one needs you.
You are just as good as dead.
Insanity
My mind has fallen ill lately. There were more than 10 guys taking turns to fuck my brains over and over again. I've been criticised, mocked, profusely belittled and mostly importantly, wrongly accused.
How much mind-fuck can one take? Why is the human breed so intricately complex and difficult to comprehend? Before I am clinically proven insane, I want to quickly jot this down should this be my very last entry. That at least, the handful of bloggers I personally know will understand the reason I ceased blogging. That I am locked up in the loony house. That CP has seriously gone into a permanent mental breakdown.
I can find no suitable words to describe the exact intangible pain I am going through. The fucking reality is that everyone is so afraid of dying more than they are of pain. It's really strange when life actually hurts more than death. At the point of death, the real pain is over.
I can actually taste it at the tip of my tongue. Surprisingly, it's not bitter as I expected but sweet with a hint of mint.
I am not AFRAID of death.
How much mind-fuck can one take? Why is the human breed so intricately complex and difficult to comprehend? Before I am clinically proven insane, I want to quickly jot this down should this be my very last entry. That at least, the handful of bloggers I personally know will understand the reason I ceased blogging. That I am locked up in the loony house. That CP has seriously gone into a permanent mental breakdown.
I can find no suitable words to describe the exact intangible pain I am going through. The fucking reality is that everyone is so afraid of dying more than they are of pain. It's really strange when life actually hurts more than death. At the point of death, the real pain is over.
I can actually taste it at the tip of my tongue. Surprisingly, it's not bitter as I expected but sweet with a hint of mint.
I am not AFRAID of death.
Love Songs
Why do we love listening to love songs?
Research has shown that if we put the same song on repeat, it will help the erase the feeling of ‘bitter’ from a bittersweet relationship by repeatedly remembering the ‘sweet’ memories associated with the song. The professional understanding of this process is known as desensitizing. This study could explain why people listen to love songs repeatedly. It’s not necessarily the song itself, but the feeling from the song which gives them what they want.
So there you go. Crank up your volume and play those heart-wrenching songs!
It's also a remedy to stay away from drugs!
(袖手旁觀 - 齊秦)
Research has shown that if we put the same song on repeat, it will help the erase the feeling of ‘bitter’ from a bittersweet relationship by repeatedly remembering the ‘sweet’ memories associated with the song. The professional understanding of this process is known as desensitizing. This study could explain why people listen to love songs repeatedly. It’s not necessarily the song itself, but the feeling from the song which gives them what they want.
So there you go. Crank up your volume and play those heart-wrenching songs!
It's also a remedy to stay away from drugs!
(袖手旁觀 - 齊秦)
So Lonely
There is this loneliness, and sometimes it eats me up alive. I believe our moments on earth is truly brief. I want to allow myself joy but lately, my predicament has lead to my poor judgement in finding the right companion. I've been attracting all the insane guys!
I talk to the moon and walk with my shadow. I sing to the wall and eat with myself. I live in some of you but mostly, I live alone inside. I need a break from this awful lonely feeling.
Amen.
I talk to the moon and walk with my shadow. I sing to the wall and eat with myself. I live in some of you but mostly, I live alone inside. I need a break from this awful lonely feeling.
Amen.
Tenuous Existence
I am so tired. I could almost give up on everything but it's always the case of that last glint. It keeps me going even if I decide to do nothing. I hate that.
A deep stomach-churning hollow sigh...
Sometimes I really hope I could just falter and continuously descend into oblivion. Really taste death and not come back at all. I am that perturbed.
I need that fucking courage to fall completely.
(墜落 - 蔡健雅)
A deep stomach-churning hollow sigh...
Sometimes I really hope I could just falter and continuously descend into oblivion. Really taste death and not come back at all. I am that perturbed.
I need that fucking courage to fall completely.
(墜落 - 蔡健雅)
Recluse
It's been unsettling. It's been totally ridiculous. So where should I begin now that I've totally lost sense of blogging? It doesn't really matter where I left off. It should not because this space is meant for me to reflect and recondition myself. And without having done so, I've become a total mess.
My desire to write comes easily when I am troubled and dismayed. Strangely when it comes to writing, I am always at my most honest when I am most upset. I broke off with my boyfriend, quit my job, fell sick, fooled around and sexually infected myself. Got fixated on a really beautiful soul and fell sick again, heart sick. It broke and I became broke, living on the edge once more.
I've been hiding. Which is ironic because I have always been hiding even when I put myself out there. That seemingly warm smile and supposedly funny jokes I make to have everyone laughing senseless so they won't notice my distress. I won't know what to say if they asked. When all fails, I humour them with my priceless face instead. Such a stressful place we live in.
That being said, it's wrong to say I've been hiding.
What do you call a dog that barks?
What do you call a fish that swims?
So, what do you call a recluse who decides to seclude himself?
Right.
Fuck! I hide even when I am blogging.
I guess I should be termed an antisocial-turd-in-break-down who should remain in his unsightly cave and never see the light of day!
There's probably no one who will understand what I am actually feeling most of the time. This is pretty common amongst individuals who have lost plenty of trust in the past. Been hurt, been forsaken, been cheated, been yadda yadda yadda - it's redundant to elaborate on this. We've all gone through our bouts of unfortunate events but what makes this really interesting to write about is how I've never really moved on.
I know, otherwise I would be writing really uplifting and inspiring entries instead.
But it's tolerable.
It's okay to mope, at least in private.
As long as I am learning something.
Oh, and welcome back CP!
(空白格 - 蔡健雅)
My desire to write comes easily when I am troubled and dismayed. Strangely when it comes to writing, I am always at my most honest when I am most upset. I broke off with my boyfriend, quit my job, fell sick, fooled around and sexually infected myself. Got fixated on a really beautiful soul and fell sick again, heart sick. It broke and I became broke, living on the edge once more.
I've been hiding. Which is ironic because I have always been hiding even when I put myself out there. That seemingly warm smile and supposedly funny jokes I make to have everyone laughing senseless so they won't notice my distress. I won't know what to say if they asked. When all fails, I humour them with my priceless face instead. Such a stressful place we live in.
That being said, it's wrong to say I've been hiding.
What do you call a dog that barks?
What do you call a fish that swims?
So, what do you call a recluse who decides to seclude himself?
Right.
Fuck! I hide even when I am blogging.
I guess I should be termed an antisocial-turd-in-break-down who should remain in his unsightly cave and never see the light of day!
There's probably no one who will understand what I am actually feeling most of the time. This is pretty common amongst individuals who have lost plenty of trust in the past. Been hurt, been forsaken, been cheated, been yadda yadda yadda - it's redundant to elaborate on this. We've all gone through our bouts of unfortunate events but what makes this really interesting to write about is how I've never really moved on.
I know, otherwise I would be writing really uplifting and inspiring entries instead.
But it's tolerable.
It's okay to mope, at least in private.
As long as I am learning something.
Oh, and welcome back CP!
(空白格 - 蔡健雅)
Hello
How did it get
so late so soon?
June has nestled herself
between my thighs, defeated.
Fallen so deep,
indifferent to July.
so late so soon?
June has nestled herself
between my thighs, defeated.
Fallen so deep,
indifferent to July.
The Unbearable Weight Of Committing
(An overdue letter to an old old flame)
You were wrong to think that I was enthusiastic with moving on right after you. It took me more than a year to find courage. During the years we were together and finally being two continents apart, I waited in vain for an unattended relationship. I had too much time to prepare myself for our break-up. Even afterwards, I find it hard to move on but I knew I have to carry my own weight without you.
Everyone is idealistic in their own special way. I have lived to experience that perfection does not exist. There is only realistic contentment, a conditioned perfection that is set out for each of us out there. My idealism is truly simple, I only want to make everyone happy but ultimately, I want the one I truly love to be happy. When he is pleased, I will feel adequate.
I fear loneliness tremendously. Whenever I am aware of being alone, I almost immediately feel abandoned and forgotten. I've been living a life obligated to serving and providing to people's needs before mine. It has become instinctive, always in a hurry to fill up the void with individuals I hardly know only to break up prematurely.
So this is the fact of my life; I needed you more than you needed me. I needed Teacher more than he needed me. Finally, I see that it's not anyone's fault. And it's only right that we came to an end.
I sincerely wish that you will find your desired happiness someday.
You were wrong to think that I was enthusiastic with moving on right after you. It took me more than a year to find courage. During the years we were together and finally being two continents apart, I waited in vain for an unattended relationship. I had too much time to prepare myself for our break-up. Even afterwards, I find it hard to move on but I knew I have to carry my own weight without you.
Everyone is idealistic in their own special way. I have lived to experience that perfection does not exist. There is only realistic contentment, a conditioned perfection that is set out for each of us out there. My idealism is truly simple, I only want to make everyone happy but ultimately, I want the one I truly love to be happy. When he is pleased, I will feel adequate.
I fear loneliness tremendously. Whenever I am aware of being alone, I almost immediately feel abandoned and forgotten. I've been living a life obligated to serving and providing to people's needs before mine. It has become instinctive, always in a hurry to fill up the void with individuals I hardly know only to break up prematurely.
So this is the fact of my life; I needed you more than you needed me. I needed Teacher more than he needed me. Finally, I see that it's not anyone's fault. And it's only right that we came to an end.
I sincerely wish that you will find your desired happiness someday.
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