Rest In Peace

Hello saturnine blog. Today as an attempt to amplify my misery, I attended a wake service. Okay, I lied, this is not about me but I wanted to sincerely lend my support to an old flame. An old friend, a borrowed family, a person whom I will always appreciate and keep safely inside my heart.

His aunt passed away in a tragic accident. She was in Manila for a business-study trip and was run down by a cab. Instantly, a chill ran down my spine and I thought to myself, life is too short to start your day with broken pieces of yesterday. People will forget what you said, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel. Though I've only met her twice and vaguely remember how she looks like, I will never forget how warm and welcomed she made me feel. That was all that mattered.

I entered one of the designated halls in Xiao En, scanned the large crowd for Bubu. Once I found him, ST and I stood still and smiled expecting him to sense our presence. We were separated by a glass wall and Bubu looked out and our eyes met. A surge of delight elevates his head and his lips stretched from ear to ear. ST and I continued standing unmoved trying not to lose our cool but she raised her hand and waved anyhow. That's when I start to make out familiar faces. His mum, his granny on the wheelchair and aunt June.

"Do you have an extra white envelope?" ST asked while rummaging her bag.

"Oh, you didn't prepare yours? Strange that we are giving monetary offering when this is a Christian service." I replied.

"I didn't think an envelope would be needed as usually there would be a collection box where you just slip in the money.” ST gave up searching. Maybe she saw that I had mine in a white envelope.

"Hmm... let me go ask Bubu if he's got extras. I am sure the centre here provides them.” I walked into the room and returned.

"Bu said an envelope is not necessary. But I am gonna give mine with the envelope."

"I saw you had a lot of things written on it." ST snooped.

"Oh... erm, nothing special, just some sympathy quotes I got off the internet and then I edited them.” I replied shyly.

ST smiled.

Rest in peace aunty Jennifer. 

The angels are always near to those who are grieving, to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hands of God.

Fuck Depression

The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you. Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing and everything else required to keep it alive.

Here in the big city, people spend their time thinking about work and money, they don't give some value to friendships and it can be depressing. Being depressed is something we all have to go through every now and then. Usually when people are depressed, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition (Which I've always failed at). But when they get angry, they bring about a great change.

Man, I hate to write all these depressing shit, but I don't have a game. I'm so alone, so depressed, so dark, and I can only find solace in this tiny space. Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

Come Maya, come give daddy a hug.

My Temporary Happiness

It was an amazing spectacle. The sun softly kindled the dreamy purple sky at the wake of dawn and suddenly, spasmodic bolts streamed through the orange cumulus as the moon bids adieu to another new beginning.

That's usually how long moments of bliss lasts. They are unjustly short but worth the while.

What was your longest? Orgasms do not count yeah...

The Unbearable Weight Of Committing

(An overdue letter to an old old flame)
You were wrong to think that I was enthusiastic with moving on right after you. It took me more than a year to find courage. During the years we were together and finally being two continents apart, I waited in vain for an unattended relationship. I had too much time to prepare myself for our break-up. Even afterwards, I find it hard to move on but I knew I have to carry my own weight without you.

Everyone is idealistic in their own special way. I have lived to experience that perfection does not exist. There is only realistic contentment, a conditioned perfection that is set out for each of us out there. My idealism is truly simple, I only want to make everyone happy but ultimately, I want the one I truly love to be happy. When he is pleased, I will feel adequate.

I fear loneliness tremendously. Whenever I am aware of being alone, I almost immediately feel abandoned and forgotten. I've been living a life obligated to serving and providing to people's needs before mine. It has become instinctive, always in a hurry to fill up the void with individuals I hardly know only to break up prematurely.

So this is the fact of my life; I needed you more than you needed me. I needed Teacher more than he needed me. Finally, I see that it's not anyone's fault. And it's only right that we came to an end.

I sincerely wish that you will find your desired happiness someday.

Teach No More

我的朋友說, 給生活一個機會...