The Unbearable Weight Of Committing

(An overdue letter to an old old flame)
 
You were wrong to think that I was enthusiastic with moving on right after you. It took me more than a year to find courage. During the years we were together and finally being two continents apart, I waited in vain for an unattended relationship. I had too much time to prepare myself for our break-up. Even afterwards, I find it hard to move on but I knew I have to carry my own weight without you.

Everyone is idealistic in their own special way. I have lived to experience that perfection does not exist. There is only realistic contentment, a conditioned perfection that is set out for each of us out there. My idealism is truly simple, I only want to make everyone happy but ultimately, I want the one I truly love to be happy. When he is pleased, I will feel adequate.

I fear loneliness tremendously. Whenever I am aware of being alone, I almost immediately feel abandoned and forgotten. I've been living a life obligated to serving and providing to people's needs before mine. It has become instinctive, always in a hurry to fill up the void with individuals I hardly know only to break up prematurely.

So this is the fact of my life; I needed you more than you needed me. I needed Teacher more than he needed me. Finally, I see that it's not anyone's fault. And it's only right that we came to an end.

I sincerely wish that you will find your desired happiness someday.