Apathetic

有時我說 “我很好” 的時候,
我希望有個人能看穿我的眼睛,
他緊緊的抱著我說,
“我知道你並不好.”

The Unexpected

Being really disappointed with my narrow-minded client, I turned to Facebook to give my mind a break and there he was. Teacher was online and I decided to say hi.

CP: How are you doing? :(

T: Okay ne. Why de sad face?

CP: I had a really, really bad, bad day with my client.

T: Wanna have dinner with my Mum and Yan Yan?

CP: Ha? Dinner with you guys? I paiseh ler...

T: No need to paiseh.

I drove out and met up with them but not forgetting to stop by the Chinese medical store to get some herbs and salted plums. His mother was not feeling well with some coughing. Once, I used to have regular Sunday dinners with him and his mother. Whenever I get the chance, I would buy some snacks or light meals and pay her a visit at her store. I have always enjoyed her company and the idea of secretly treating her like my own mother.

Dinner was awkward, I spoke to his mother more than I did to him and tried my best not to make eye contact. But it was brief, dinner has always been quick and really early for them. When I first met Teacher, it took me a while to get used to their routine. But for today, I was really glad it did not last.

After dinner, Teacher told me to walk to his car. That he has something to give me. I accompanied his mother, walking slowly while making conversations and suddenly, I saw him take out a huge paper bag. I did not know how to react, so I took a peep and found a stuffed reindeer. Immediately, I felt bad because I never got him anything for Christmas. Why would I even think of getting him something? Most of all, why did he?

After they left, I stepped into my car and sat there, unmoving. My left hand voluntarily took out the reindeer and I hugged it. I turned the keys and the radio came on with a woman singing "I have died everyday waiting for you..." I found out much later that this was A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. Such a beautiful sad song for a lame-ass movie.

There is a reason why couples break up and I will always hold on to that reason regardless.

But hor, damn cute lah the reindeer! I didn't even know its legs are extendable until I got home and Maya instantly thought I bought her a new toy.

Thank you Teacher :)

Merry Christmas

Instead of being a time of unusual behaviour, Christmas is perhaps the only time in the year when people can obey their natural impulses and express their true sentiments without feeling self-conscious and, perhaps, foolish. Christmas, in short, is about the only chance a man has to be himself.
Francis C. Farley

Merry Christmas to all you readers! Remember to tell your mum you love her okay?

Kiss your pet for me and tongue your lover if you have one :)

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(Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by Frank Sinatra)
Eh sorry ah, very the zao yum!

Bad Advice On Break-Ups

Silent is the night when all breathing angels are heavily slumbered. Their coy face and porcelain skin illuminates the dark with a youthful glow. How calm and peaceful it seems while I sit and quietly brave the morning breeze that chills my flesh, my bones, and my heart, alone.

Lately, I am not the only one who has been fighting the crushing weight of emotional torture. The agony that everyone goes through when they have their delicate little heart broken. It does hurt when you lose control over your own feelings right? But how long should it last? Has it been that bad or were the memories just too sweet to let go? Whatever the reason may be, I believe there must be a time to grieve. A process that I never gave myself a chance at.

Experts have said to mull over it as much as you want but not obsessively, not compulsively. Try filling your free time by watching soppy love movies. You will get used to seeing unrequited love, it's called flooding. Fill yourself with the sadness of others and at some point, yours won’t seem so bad. You may get a different perspective on your ex. That would be one way of handling it. Or, understand that you enjoyed being together for a while, but if the relationship was not what both you and your partner wanted for life, it would have ended eventually, no matter what. In this case, it is better sooner rather than later. You must also accept that you are a good person, and that you did your best and you're not the only one who have made mistakes. Of course, a stage of denial is completely natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to start moving on.

I say, go put on your best outfit and celebrate your break-up with your best buddies. Go out and get drunk, get pissed, laugh about it, cry about it even. Cry so badly till everyone thinks you are mourning over the death of someone dear. Then wake up the next day with a bad hangover and only then, do what the experts suggested. LOL!

No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends. Wah kanasai! The experts totally left that out. Or probably I left it out because the excess information I found on break-ups will overload my entry.

Aiyah, cheer up! It's not the end of the world yet. I still miss my ex... well, all my exes but it's more fun watching them duck and run! Sometimes it is best to avoid the dread and dreary sayings. It's the funny ones which help you move on. Whether you are gonna text it to your ex or keep it for yourself. Enjoy!

I ran into my EX the other day,
so I put it in reverse and hit him again.

Cancel my subscription because I don't need your issues.

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable like a coma?

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself,
I would be happy to do it for you.

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost as if you're here!

So how? Got put a smile on that dreadful face you've been wearing or not? Anyway, heartaches aside, I've decided to try an English number this time. Something that I got so bored of doing in the past hence all the lagu-lagu Cina now.

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(Always On My Mind by Michael Bublé)
Dedicated to Bubu...

Heaven Of Matches

有誰來買我的孤單?

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(火柴天堂 - 熊天平)

Paramnesia

I think I dreamt of you. You wanted to reconcile but you were not the only one. You and he and he and he were all present. Suddenly, everyone wants to love me and hold me tight but I cringed because this isn't possible.

Nothing is real to me anymore.

I woke up to an empty apartment. I could almost hear my thoughts echo off the wall. I looked at the clock on the wall you bought and went back to sleep.

Nothing is real to me anymore.

Rest In Peace

Hello saturnine blog. Today as an attempt to amplify my misery, I attended a wake service. Okay, I lied, this is not about me but I wanted to sincerely lend my support to an old flame. An old friend, a borrowed family, a person whom I will always appreciate and keep safely inside my heart.

His aunt passed away in a tragic accident. She was in Manila for a business-study trip and was run down by a cab. Instantly, a chill ran down my spine and I thought to myself, life is too short to start your day with broken pieces of yesterday. People will forget what you said, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel. Though I've only met her twice and vaguely remember how she looks like, I will never forget how warm and welcomed she made me feel. That was all that mattered.

I entered one of the designated halls in Xiao En, scanned the large crowd for Bubu. Once I found him, ST and I stood still and smiled expecting him to sense our presence. We were separated by a glass wall and Bubu looked out and our eyes met. A surge of delight elevates his head and his lips stretched from ear to ear. ST and I continued standing unmoved trying not to lose our cool but she raised her hand and waved anyhow. That's when I start to make out familiar faces. His mum, his granny on the wheelchair and aunt June.

"Do you have an extra white envelope?" ST asked while rummaging her bag.

"Oh, you didn't prepare yours? Strange that we are giving monetary offering when this is a Christian service." I replied.

"I didn't think an envelope would be needed as usually there would be a collection box where you just slip in the money.” ST gave up searching. Maybe she saw that I had mine in a white envelope.

"Hmm... let me go ask Bubu if he's got extras. I am sure the centre here provides them.” I walked into the room and returned.

"Bu said an envelope is not necessary. But I am gonna give mine with the envelope."

"I saw you had a lot of things written on it." ST snooped.

"Oh... erm, nothing special, just some sympathy quotes I got off the internet and then I edited them.” I replied shyly.

ST smiled.

Rest in peace aunty Jennifer. 

The angels are always near to those who are grieving, to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hands of God.

Fuck Depression

The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you. Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing and everything else required to keep it alive.

Here in the big city, people spend their time thinking about work and money, they don't give some value to friendships and it can be depressing. Being depressed is something we all have to go through every now and then. Usually when people are depressed, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition (Which I've always failed at). But when they get angry, they bring about a great change.

Man, I hate to write all these depressing shit, but I don't have a game. I'm so alone, so depressed, so dark, and I can only find solace in this tiny space. Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

Come Maya, come give daddy a hug.

My Temporary Happiness


It was an amazing spectacle. The sun softly kindled the dreamy purple sky at the wake of dawn and suddenly, spasmodic bolts streamed through the orange cumulus as the moon bids adieu to another new beginning.

That's usually how long moments of bliss lasts. They are unjustly short but worth the while.

What was your longest? Orgasms do not count yeah...

The Unbearable Weight Of Committing

(An overdue letter to an old old flame)
 
You were wrong to think that I was enthusiastic with moving on right after you. It took me more than a year to find courage. During the years we were together and finally being two continents apart, I waited in vain for an unattended relationship. I had too much time to prepare myself for our break-up. Even afterwards, I find it hard to move on but I knew I have to carry my own weight without you.

Everyone is idealistic in their own special way. I have lived to experience that perfection does not exist. There is only realistic contentment, a conditioned perfection that is set out for each of us out there. My idealism is truly simple, I only want to make everyone happy but ultimately, I want the one I truly love to be happy. When he is pleased, I will feel adequate.

I fear loneliness tremendously. Whenever I am aware of being alone, I almost immediately feel abandoned and forgotten. I've been living a life obligated to serving and providing to people's needs before mine. It has become instinctive, always in a hurry to fill up the void with individuals I hardly know only to break up prematurely.

So this is the fact of my life; I needed you more than you needed me. I needed Teacher more than he needed me. Finally, I see that it's not anyone's fault. And it's only right that we came to an end.

I sincerely wish that you will find your desired happiness someday.

Teach No More

我的朋友說, 給生活一個機會...

Gratitude For Affection

我覺得一路來, 你對我的感覺是感激而不是感情對嗎?

A collision is heading its way.

Sigh...

Wake From Dreaming

I know I've been abandoning my blog. But it's weird that when I load this page, there comes this voluntary urge to write a happy entry. Who am I kidding? My life is never happy, or so I have led readers to believe. Yes, it's easy to deceive anyone when you write according to how you want to be interpreted, but truth is, does it come naturally or by coercion?

There lies too many hidden meanings between written words. A blow with a word strikes deeper than a sword. I'd rather sing because it's harder to hide my feelings...

What is your underlying reason to blogging really?

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(夢醒了 - 那英)

Hurt

All my life, I've tried so hard to make each and everyone of you happy only to hurt myself in the end.

Was it all worth it?

Yes.

Crucial Direness

If there comes a day where it really pushes me to my utmost limit, this is it. I am seriously ready to die any moment now. Tears are pushing their way out but I am repressing them.

What's the point of crying?

Second Life Overdose

Gawd I really should be blogging! Sigh...

I Am Not Afraid

Today, I feel so defeated. It's frightful how even with the countless experience I've had in the past, it still doesn't prepare me for the dispute that comes in a relationship. Teacher has been extremely moody. Disgruntled to a point that it is truly unnerving to even talk about it. But I am truly patient and overly forgiving. Perhaps I've grown past the idea of having things my way. I've learned to compromise and think really hard before I speak. I've grown to be courageous even when I know I might fail to keep this relationship.

Teacher, if you ever read this, I want you to know that I do not expect you to understand me completely just as I never imagined I will always read you clearly. I won't be afraid if your love is not strong enough because I believe I am the one who will give you strength. I won't be afraid if our happiness melts away one day and I failed miserably to make you see past sorrow because I am the one who will make you smile again.

Ever heard of melancholy happiness? I am happy with a heavy resonance. This song speaks of my simple happiness but of course, it's an improvisation. Very typical of me.

Got ever gaduh with your boyfriend and feel like it's the end of the world or not?
 
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(我變了 - 陶晶瑩)

Dependant

Work has really stolen my private moments with myself. But it's all for the best. No one wants to live through the day with an empty stomach, parched throat and a crippled heart. Don't really have much to say at the moment except that I did promise a certain someone a little self-indulgent entertainment request. So here you go, out-of-slang mandarin song called 依赖 (Yīlài). Oh yeah, thank you for listening.

Do we actually listen when someone talks? Do you?

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(依赖 - 陶晶瑩)

A Breather

Whoa! I am supposed to blog fervently but the amount of freelance jobs thrown at my face and the new found sleeping cycle has stolen my one and only source of expression. I can finally take a short breather and quickly announce that I am not dead yet. Though sometimes I really wished that dying is easier done than said. Life has been really tough on me. But what doesn't kill you only makes you a stronger prick. Yeah, so damn cliché but what to do? Have to force positive thoughts into this hard skull of mine.

Time flies when you are swamped with work and tomorrow is Mother's Day! Thank God me mummy is faraway in Phuket. Saves me the trouble of taking her out for a decent meal when I don't even have enough to feed myself. Sigh... even Maya's starving not because there's not enough food for her but she has been the fussiest eater lately. It breaks my heart when she refuse to take in the kibbles. I've been trying a variety of flavours but nothing works. Worst still, when she finally takes in a handful only to purge it all out 10 minutes later.

Okay, this is as far as I can endure. The freaking hot and humid weather is driving me up the wall. Need to run cold water over myself before I head to bed.

Do you own a dog? What do you do when his/her appetite fucks up?

Sleep Paralysis

Woke up with a heavy weight on my head and shoulders. Vaguely recalled this disturbing dream. Headline reads 'Kes Bodoh yang Paling Dahsyat.' I was together with a female reporter in tudung exploring a strange case that was found in a secondary school somewhere. We were filming a reality show similar to The Blair Witch Project.

The words ‘Strange Case’ kept playing in my head as we head into the school compound. It was a breezy and cloudy afternoon where students were present and classes took place just as any other day. Some were peeping through the window, curious at the presence of the camera man and TV crew. We soon ended up between two 5-storey blocks with the student washroom welcoming us. The air was quiet and unnerving echoed by the soft chatters of students faraway. Nothing out of the ordinary was felt until we caught sight of a shadow within the washroom. Suddenly, a childlike voice was heard singing a tune in Bahasa. I can’t make out what he/she was singing but I awoke on my bed in an unmoving state. I felt pinned down while I struggled hard to open my eyes and only realised this was all just a dream. The uncanny part was; I can still hear the child singing. It felt fucking real, I felt his/her presence. The singing got louder.

Because I’ve had dream-conscious events like these before, my immediate reaction was to recite the Lord’s Prayer. Yeah, how typical but don’t we all instantly recite prayers when are aware of a paranormal presence? I can’t really tell if the child’s presence was a threat or possibly harmless, but I was just uncomfortable by the fact that I was unable to move my body.

What seemed like a minute took an eternity to end as I finally hear the words escape my lips, “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be thy name…” My eyes could finally make out the baby blue walls in my room and the singing from the child was replaced by birds chirping outside my window. I awoke with a numb arm as I turn to my right to see Maya jolted awake by my victory to wake up. “You were supposed to protect me Maya.”


As soon as I finished this entry, I realised that most definitely what I experienced was just Sleep Paralysis. You can read about it here if you are interested.

Does your sleep paralysis involve any child singing?

Nebula

I am burning crimson. Watch me run you over and spill your underrated talent. You must be stone to go uncarved. But I am flinching. Fearing you would not survive today because you've stopped living long ago. It's the vessel that remains. The breath that remains. An echo that reflects defeat. A lost that deflects a lending hope. I will be ready when it comes this close.

Are you prepared to watch?

Nauseated

It's horribly early. I can almost catch the dreams of the heavy sleepers under this roof. But what can I say? I am at my best when no one is awake.

Though this may seem normal to me, it is actually a very unhealthy habit. This nocturnal behaviour that I've been living with has finally caught up on me. I now suffer from occasional nausea after waking up. It is no laughing matter. Imagine the sudden experience of having your whole apartment spinning upside down while watching the telly. I had to immediately close my eyes and lie face-flat on the ground to stop the spinning.

I am abnormal. I am not cut out for the usual routines everyone else does. Soon I will just crawl on the floor, teary eyed, and succumb to conventional living behaviour. Majority does not always win but there will always be strength in numbers. What can a little prick like me do rite? Falter and suck up to socially acceptable behaviours-lor. Niaseng!

So having said this, should I head back to bed and snuggle up to Teacher? No! I have a company profile brochure that's way behind deadline. Gotta get on to it if I ever wanna settle my monthly debts. Urgh! Here comes the motion sickness again! Maybe a hot cup of Nescafe will do the trick.

Are you nocturnal?

It's this Early

Shhh... Do you hear that? That's the sound of my own soft breathing. The sound of everything you do not hear when the world is wide awake and buzzing to life's rat race. If you listen closely, you can even hear Teacher's snoring. That low hum like a midnight motor that can dull even the sharpest mind. (Mind me, I tend to talk poetically when the mood calls)

I am pretty proud of myself last Sunday for having made a scrumptious dinner for TL and 66 only to find out later that CL and DK were invited over. With just enough ingredients for three, I was worried food was inadequate. The menu was just Herbal Chicken Soup, Stir-fry Broccoli and Ma Gu Gai (Fresh mushrooms cooked with chicken). Dinner was punctual and I had just enough time in between for a quick shower after the greasy ordeal. I came out feeling refreshed and was pleasantly surprised by Teacher's presence (Thank God he came after his dinner).

It's funny now that I am cooking again, I realised I've never cooked for Teacher. But, I am glad I didn't as he is most fastidious when it comes to food. I fear my cooking may not hold his approval. Guess what? He loved it! (Fuck! 10 points earned!)

It was lovely to see CL and DK again. Even lovelier to find out this time, my cooking has improved tremendously. Everything was full of flavour and cooked to the correct firmness. So was the soup that TL had fun boiling for long hours since noon only to be discovered by CL that a weird looking herb swimming in her soup bowl was actually a rubber band! Yuck! Somehow, a blunder from TL like this does not surprise me at all.

I had time to quickly snap my masterpiece. Please excuse the bad quality as lighting was poor and it was shot from my cheap phone.

Stir-fry Broccoli

Mushroom Chicken with Carrots
Dang! These pictures doesn't do my cooking justice at all! The Mushroom Chicken looks like my dog's vomit.

Oh well, I am contented anyway because everyone finished everything on the plate except me. I am not sure if this is natural but, I have a weird case of never having the appetite to eat what I cook. Especially when proper meals are concerned. I've always been puzzled by this and my best excuse is that I've mentally stuffed my tummy during the process of cooking. All I did was sit at one corner and smiled as I watched them savour the dishes.

Do you lose your appetite over your own cooked food too?

The Bitch is Back!

Finally! I am back to blogging again after such a long hiatus. I've never been a fervent blogger and my entries have always been sporadic.

It's funny how every time, after a long disappearance, I return with a clean slate. I want to make an honest promise to myself this time. To use this blog as a source, a healing space to lick my wounds. Yes, I am sure we all get wounded now and then to a certain extent, and not having an outlet to reflect on it certainly drives a person insane.

So here I am, growing old, still trying to see what lies ahead of my life but always hitting a big fuzzy wall. Getting in and out of jobs. Going to bed at the first sight of light. Worrying about the unpaid debts. Why is it this difficult to make out what I really want from the one and only lifetime I have?

Do you really know what you want in this lifetime?