Hawaii

Before I landed myself in Kuala Lumpur for a new solo life, I used to believe in innocence and the purity of simple gestures. I daydream a lot and imagine vividly without fear and doubt. The ability to do so was ever so liberating and it gave me a sense of confidence, purpose and hope.

Unfortunately, because of living too long in KL on my own, and soaking up an entirely different culture for 17 years, I've allowed it to change me and become overly realistic and cynical than I could ever imagine. It is the only way I've known to persevere in this this selfish and self-centred city.

This movie has made me remember how I've foolishly ignored the importance of being true to myself. But I am what I am today.

I am both of what I was, and what I've become.

Thank you Marco.

Break Up And Be Done With It

Nothing beats singing karaoke after a nasty hangover.

(分手後不要做朋友 - 梁文音)

A Song For Lonely Nigel

(為你的寂寞唱歌 - 家家)

Insanity

My mind has fallen ill lately. There were more than 10 guys taking turns to fuck my brains over and over again. I've been criticised, mocked, profusely belittled and mostly importantly, wrongly accused.

How much mind-fuck can one take? Why is the human breed so intricately complex and difficult to comprehend? Before I am clinically proven insane, I want to quickly jot this down should this be my very last entry. That at least, the handful of bloggers I personally know will understand the reason I ceased blogging. That I am locked up in the loony house. That CP has seriously gone into a permanent mental breakdown.

I can find no suitable words to describe the exact intangible pain I am going through. The fucking reality is that everyone is so afraid of dying more than they are of pain. It's really strange when life actually hurts more than death. At the point of death, the real pain is over.

I can actually taste it at the tip of my tongue. Surprisingly, it's not bitter as I expected but sweet with a hint of mint.

I am not AFRAID of death.

Hey

I am in pretty good spirit today and have decided to fool around a bit with one of my favourite unheard-of song. I've always liked songs that have never hit the charts which makes them rare and priceless!

I am elated today because an old friend is treating me dinner for my birthday!

Gonna dress up just for it. Feels so effin' good to be appreciated!

(Hey by Bic Runga)

Love Songs

Why do we love listening to love songs?

Research has shown that if we put the same song on repeat, it will help the erase the feeling of ‘bitter’ from a bittersweet relationship by repeatedly remembering the ‘sweet’ memories associated with the song. The professional understanding of this process is known as desensitizing. This study could explain why people listen to love songs repeatedly. It’s not necessarily the song itself, but the feeling from the song which gives them what they want.

So there you go. Crank up your volume and play those heart-wrenching songs!

It's also a remedy to stay away from drugs!

(袖手旁觀 - 齊秦)

So Lonely

There is this loneliness, and sometimes it eats me up alive. I believe our moments on earth is truly brief. I want to allow myself joy but lately, my predicament has lead to my poor judgement in finding the right companion. I've been attracting all the insane guys!

I talk to the moon and walk with my shadow. I sing to the wall and eat with myself. I live in some of you but mostly, I live alone inside. I need a break from this awful lonely feeling.

Amen.

Let Him Go

This piece is dedicated to Eric. A request to do a cover which I find the original version quite unpleasant sounding. Instead, I've decided to do a Birdy version which fits the exact situation he's going through right now. I hope you truly let go after listening to this yeah buddy? If you wanna fall even deeper and feel shitty, you can try listening to Birdy's rendition. It's awfully painful. Urgh! I am such a sucker for depressive voices.

Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about him anymore. It's about acceptance, that some people are just meant to be a part of your history and never your destiny. Accept that the only person you really have control over is yourself and incredible changes will take place.

Sorry for the bad recording, I really hate the awful white noise but I have to suck it up until I get a decent microphone. Oh! My birthday is just around the corner. Any sympathetic souls out there? I am single too! (Yerr... I feel like an idiot for saying this)

Okay, I am taking a break. I think I have gone overboard with all these singing requests. I get bored quickly when I do too much of the same thing. So Adlexus, you better hurry with your request so I can take a break ya? Apa lagu English u mau? Let it go ah? The answer is NO!!!

(Let Him Go by Passenger)

Seagull

Challenge proposed and challenge delivered! Well okay, it's not like he dared me but, rather it's a kind request from Jeff to butcher cover this classic number.

Dear Jeff,

(Maleficient tone) Well well... your request is finally delivered as promised. I was worried at first, that I might not be able to strum out the correct tune due to my limitation of guitar chords. Haiz... what to do? Self-taught ma. Instead, I was lucky they were fairly simple and even gave me room to improvise. 

Though I can't read nor write in Chinese to survive in China, but once I get what the words mean, they will forever be stuck in my head. The lyrics were truly inspiring and encouraging. I like the metaphor behind it and I am truly grateful to you for introducing this beautiful song.

Did you know the singer, Judy Ongg was actually from Taiwan who later changed her nationality to Japanese? After YouTube hopping on her other songs, I was impressed with her ability to sing in Mandarin, Cantonese and Japanese. She is stunningly beautiful!

Anyway and anyhow, here is my version of 海鷗. I hope it won't destroy the fond memories you have associated with this song.

Sincerely,
CP.

(海鷗 - 翁倩玉)

Skinny Love

Finally! I get the chance to screw up English songs now. This is my favourite piece! Though I much prefer Birdy's rendition because I am naturally drawn to melancholic tunes, but I've always wondered what was on Bon Iver's mind when he wrote this song. Most importantly, what does he mean by skinny love?

Urban Dictionary defines skinny love as when two people love each other but are too shy to admit it yet they still show it.

Bon Iver says;
"It’s about that time in a relationship that I was going through; you’re in a relationship because you need help, but that’s not necessarily why you should be in a relationship. And that’s skinny. It doesn’t have weight. Skinny love doesn’t have a chance because it’s not nourished.”

Interesting and sad.

(Skinny Love by Birdy)

Never All Of Me

Do we actually give our all in a relationship?

Do you actually love all his imperfections?

It is so easy to write it down in words but I for one, knows it is not entirely all that I give.

This short one is for you Jeff! It's a rare occasion because I almost never showcase my singing in English. :P

(All Of Me by John Legend)

Who Do You Think You Are?

It's funny.

Every time I try to reinvent myself, I end up telling lies. Lies that fuels my inability to identify myself. This vicious cycle of constant reinvention is clear evidence of a person struggling with an identity crisis. It is a sick internal war I have with myself which, is far worse than a break-up or getting fired at work.

The pattern?

I start a fresh blog. I start off being personal, with factual events and some unfiltered self-indulgence. I try to be transparent without prejudice. But gradually I become overly cautious, I begin to censor myself. I question my thoughts because I worry how they will be perceived. I then edit and manipulate the outcome to appear desirable and idealistic. And eventually the number of entries decreases, they become short and ambiguous. I become extremely private while deep down, I am crying for acceptance.

The fix?

I am not sure. But I am very sure that if I care too much on what others think of me or how they treat me, I will be putting too much emphasis on things I have no control over when I should be putting emphasis on what I have real power over - myself. I can and should define myself and let the world take me as I am or leave me be. Even the most extreme personalities can find a niche in this world.

The finding?

Unless you come to terms with who you really are, you will never be truly appreciated and remembered no matter how successful or good-looking you've become. People respond well to authentic, genuine people, even if they are odd.

Sorry it took me so long.

Tenuous Existence

I am so tired. I could almost give up on everything but it's always the case of that last glint. It keeps me going even if I decide to do nothing. I hate that.

A deep stomach-churning hollow sigh...

Sometimes I really hope I could just falter and continuously descend into oblivion. Really taste death and not come back at all. I am that perturbed.

I need that fucking courage to fall completely.

(墜落 - 蔡健雅)

I Love You Endless

Maya.

The Truth

The story of Cancer comes into foreplay during the anal intercourse myth of Hercule's twelve fuckers labours, specifically the one about the multi-headed cock serpent called Hydra. While Hercules was sucking fighting the beast, Hera the uber-bitch goddess - sent a giant cock-sucking enemy crab to distract Hercules during the fuckfest battle. However when the crab learned of Hercule's erectile heroic efforts, he let Hercules fuck attack him for massive hemorrhage damage and sacrificed himself for a greater cause. For his noble efforts, the crab was put into the anus sky as the constellation Cancer. Sacrifice for others' well-being is a Cancerian quality as well as them often getting the smelly short end of the cock stick as far as blowjob luck is concerned. Yuck! 

Look Jeff!

A positive entry.

Mmm... such an en-te-ring.

Recluse

It's been unsettling. It's been totally ridiculous. So where should I begin now that I've totally lost sense of blogging? It doesn't really matter where I left off. It should not because this space is meant for me to reflect and recondition myself. And without having done so, I've become a total mess.

My desire to write comes easily when I am troubled and dismayed. Strangely when it comes to writing, I am always at my most honest when I am most upset. I broke off with my boyfriend, quit my job, fell sick, fooled around and sexually infected myself. Got fixated on a really beautiful soul and fell sick again, heart sick. It broke and I became broke, living on the edge once more.

I've been hiding. Which is ironic because I have always been hiding even when I put myself out there. That seemingly warm smile and supposedly funny jokes I make to have everyone laughing senseless so they won't notice my distress. I won't know what to say if they asked. When all fails, I humour them with my priceless face instead. Such a stressful place we live in.

That being said, it's wrong to say I've been hiding.

What do you call a dog that barks?

What do you call a fish that swims?

So, what do you call a recluse who decides to seclude himself?

Right.

Fuck! I hide even when I am blogging.

I guess I should be termed an antisocial-turd-in-break-down who should remain in his unsightly cave and never see the light of day!

There's probably no one who will understand what I am actually feeling most of the time. This is pretty common amongst individuals who have lost plenty of trust in the past. Been hurt, been forsaken, been cheated, been yadda yadda yadda - it's redundant to elaborate on this. We've all gone through our bouts of unfortunate events but what makes this really interesting to write about is how I've never really moved on.

I know, otherwise I would be writing really uplifting and inspiring entries instead.

But it's tolerable.

It's okay to mope, at least in private.

As long as I am learning something.

Oh, and welcome back CP!

(空白格 - 蔡健雅)

I Am Broken

Again...

Somebody

(Somebody - 楊乃文)